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The 5 reasons people hate Transformers (and why they’re lame)
With the upcoming release of the Blu-Ray Combo Pack cut of DOTM, I’m again hearing the now years old grumblings of ‘Formers Haters’. The 5 reasons commonly given for this practice are destroyed summarily below.
“Bayformers” - Since its 1985 debut, the Transformers universe has existed in many forms. The comics, TV shows, movies, and toy lines have given us a different look for EVERY incarnation. While the most beloved will always be the original G-1 design, the Bayformer bots are still perfectly in character with the G-1 Bots. “That’s not how _____ (insert Fav Bot here) looks!! They changed him!! - WHAAAAAA!!!” Hollywood does this all the time: See Almost Every Batman Movie Ever. Most true fans just appreciate the fact that ‘real’ Transformers are on screen now, say thank you, blow Hollywood for $8- $10 a seat, and sit the hell in front of the screen, lube in one hand, popcorn in another.
“Bayhem”- “The fights are to Action-y”, “It all goes so fast”. REALLY? This is an all too common complaint. But no one using it has ever been able to tell me how 40’ tall, advanced alien robots would move SLOWLY. If anything, Bay has kept some action SLOWER than it would be in real life. If you really think about how fast these machines would process the ins and outs of a battle, we’d never be able to keep up with the action while watching with the naked eye.
“Human Haters”- There’s always been non-robot types in Transformers. They are needed to push the story. Since Transformers 1, people have complained about the ratio of robot to human time onscreen. I get the idea here: “I want giant robots and just giant robots!! I can’t get enough giant robots!! I need 2 more hours of CGI masturbation !!” I gotcha. I’d watch battling alien death bots for weeks without rest if Peter Cullen’s voice led the good guys on. But the Transformers interact with us because they’re on our planet. Period. We are going to show up. Just like Godzilla flicks, we have to further a story here, more simply than can be done without us there.
“Too commercialized” - Since Congress repealed the ban on toy companies advertising to kids with TV shows in 1984, every toy maker lined up to cash in. The Transformers were no different. Even Bay didn’t want to direct a ‘toy movie” at first. The well written characters from our youth were actually terribly written, and barely passed as a way to sell us surplus Japanese toys. Sorry to burst that bubble, but if you watch it now, it kinda hurts, right in here.
“Story-line Variations” – This one comes from the hardcore fan base. I know them well. They hate change, and (although they know damn well that Ironhide’s mom wasn’t a cook, she was a dishwasher, asshole!!), they aren’t script writers. Story lines and background themes all change like the physical forms of Transformers do. Every incarnation has its own concepts based on the known histories of the Transformers. These versions stand alone and are pretty unapologetic about their version of events. In one instance, ROTF was rushed, and the script suffered, a little. (Not that ANYONE cared for long, DEVASTATOR’s arrival alone was worth the 23 year wait, and subsequent raging hard-on.) But DOTM more than made up for any lack luster experience some random jack off critic experienced. The sheer happiness of theater goers as they left EVERY Transformers film showing (I went to a few) and the amount of bulging Levi’s zippers hid behind popcorn buckets told me that people REALLY liked it. The current movie story line WORKS. It does a good job of explaining an entirely implausible scenario plausibly.
So when I’m in line buying the next “Blu-Ray 3-D Extra Bonus Limited Edition Collectors Mega Super Deluxe Version of the Directors Cut with 5 seconds of extended footage of Prime clipping his toenails Edition”, please save your lame arguments, stop harshing my buzz, and shut the fuck up. Because in my head, Megatron just crushed yours.
© 2011 James Lemmon
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